Tuesday, April 20, 2010 @ 11:58 PM
For the past couple of days I've been at a loss of words, unable to explain the irrevocable feelings that have been causing me to burst into tears. I haven't been myself. A multitude of various events have triggered my emotions, leading me to nitpick every aspect of my life. Honestly, I'm breaking down.
To make matters worse, school is as hectic as ever. The schoolwork seems to be piling up, and I can't fully concentrate. An essay I wrote late last night allowed me to dig deep into the cause of my building stress. I am somewhat of a perfectionist. Below are parts of my essay I've picked out to better explain.
"As a perfectionist, I am prone to procrastination. The two seem to go hand in hand. The fear of failure and constant worrying seem to dwindle the few hours available each day, leaving my work to be done at night."
"Lately, I've begun to realize I am not easily satisfied, and find myself sacrificing many things."
"My way of life can be seen as a vicious cycle."
"With this mindset, I am constantly in battle with myself. I am my own worst enemy, unable to defeat the unconquerable battle. My battle will never be won, for perfection can never be achieved. Some might wonder why I should work towards something that cannot be physically obtained. I myself wonder, but instead choose to look beyond doubt. With my idea of perfection comes success and happiness, leaving no room for failure. Although no one is perfect, I can try to be."
At the moment I am stuck in this strange mood, unable to get past it. Soon I will overcome it and be back to myself, it's just a matter of time. I have the best mother, brother, and best friend anyone could ask for. They have helped me through the last couple of days, and I don't know how I'll ever thank them. As I work towards perfection, and stumble along the way, they'll be there to pick me back up. I'll be okay.
-A.
Thursday, April 15, 2010 @ 11:01 PM
There's been a lot on my mind, but I'm just not able to put it all into words..
To say the least, I have been thinking lately.. About strength. Strength and character.
To distinguish a being from good or bad is strongly determined by their character.
What good is success without respect?
To have a tarnished reputation is truly not worthy of any self-satisfaction or praise.
Strength is only gained through intelligence. Intelligence, only from those with strength.I believe there are people out there worthy of this praise. Wise and kindhearted, whose intentions are none other than true, who think of loved ones before themselves, who are worthy of the strongest trust.. Someone with limitless power from the mind and soul, extraordinary beauty, flawless movements..
I am but human. I have those that I respect and admire, those that I love, those that I share enmity with, those that I am untrue with, and few that I would die for. If I can even get a step closer to becoming a better person, I'll take it no matter the hardships. I'm learning to forgive myself, and the sooner I understand my past wrongs, the sooner I can move forward.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Summer, where are you? Please come.
Summer, where are you? Please come.
-S.
Monday, April 5, 2010 @ 9:57 PM
I think I'm finally getting into the groove of things. I'm realizing what should be a priority, and that my old ways were a bit abnormal. Not only am I speaking of my sleeping habits, but also of my laziness and procrastination. I'm eager to see if my new revelation will pay off. Better now than never. Next year will probably be one of the hardest years of my life, so I'd like to end this year with a bang and be prepared. The image of summer is so appealing, sometimes clouding my thoughts. Also, I've discovered my old love of reading. Nicholas Sparks has become my new favorite author. His novels take me to a place where nothing else in the world matters. I feel as if I feel everything the characters are feeling. It's a great feeling, and sometimes I wish I could just read all day. Just a couple more months and I'll be able to relax. Just a couple more months.
-A.
